LK English: A neurological disorder marked by a sudden recurrent uncontrollable compulsion to sleep. Also known as “our Leistungskurs”.

The disorder is often associated with cataplexy (a sudden loss of muscle tone and paralysis of voluntary muscles associated with a strong emotion), sleep paralysis (immobility of the body that occurs in the transition from sleep to wakefulness), what are called hypnagogic hallucinations (pre-sleep dreams) and automatic behaviors (such as doing something “automatically” and not remembering afterwards how one did it or not doing anything at all). 18 sufferers are estimated to have attended the LK English. It strikes males and females and some Albertiner, too. Perhaps you know it from the elfte Klasse. Symptoms most commonly appear in the early morning. The Leistungskurs can vary in severity. Some persons with it have mild sleepiness or rare cataplexy (less than one episode per week). Other persons may have moderate sleepiness or infrequent cataplexy (less than one episode a lesson). Still other persons with no knowledge of the English language (or those who are only peripherically touched by the lesson) may experience severe sleepiness or have severe cataplexy (with one or more episodes of cataplexy per lesson).

The purpose of the Leistungskurs is unknown. It is not a fatal disorder in itself but it can lead to fatalities. For example, a Kursteilnehmer may fall asleep while sitting a Klausur. You have to know this for your Abitur!

The Leistungskurs is usually treated with a medication to improve alertness (coffee) and an anti-depressant that helps control cataplexy (Lift Apfelschorle). Unfortunately the Direktorat (Mr. Spackmann) in 2004 imposed a ban on Coca Cola (and Mezzo-Mix), a non-amphetamine drug for treating the excessive sleepiness of the Kursteilnehmer.

Other medications were unfortunately ignored by the Kursleiterin, such as the occassional sixties flashbacks (listening to Heavy Metal music made by Simon and Garfunkel which Mr. Smod always used to keep the Kursteilnehmer awake) or throwing Kreide at the Kursteilnehmer or confronting the Kursteilnehmer with interesting movies. Instead the Kursteilnehmer were supplied with weird science fiction literature and even weirder plays presented by our Hirsch.

The only effective remedy was the following shocking sentence:
“Hm. Read your’s please!”
But it was often neutralized by answers like the following:
“Ähm, Scheiße, des hab ich jetzt grad net so.”
“Äh, bei der Frage hatt ich jetzt a weng a Problem.”
“Öh.. it’s a bit short.” –
“Hm, read it anyway, please!”
– (...) –
“Hm, it’s a bit short indeed, ne.”

Appropriate for raising the Kursteilnehmers’ attention were the Referate (“And now we come to our Referat”). While the Referate themselves were mostly ignored, the hour-long negotiations with the Kursleiterin concerning the Notengebung with the help of the famous Bewertungsschema provoked the highest state of involvement that most Kursteilnehmer ever reached during the two years of the Leistungskurs.

In rare cases a Kursteilnehmer (David) can manage to defeat the cataplexy and break out in bursts of senseless Gelaber.

Oh, and one time, the Kursleiterin tried to wake up the Kursteilnehmer by letting her cell phone ring during the lesson, but that failed. It is symptomatic for the Kurs that the Kursteilnehmer cannot remember more interesting events.